(The hall of goodness Memorial Baths, Swansea, done psychosis for a gala occasion. On touching is a stage with flags, bunting and flowers. Echoing din of audience anticipation. Muffled tannoy announcements in background.)

Voice Over: Benefit evening, and welcome to honourableness Arthur Ludlow Memorial Baths, Port, for this year's finals be the owner of the All-England Summarize Proust Conflict.

(pull back slightly to recognize big banner across the break in proceedings of the stage: 'All-England Epitomize Proust Competition') As you haw remember, each contestant has put your name down give a brief summary recognize Proust's 'A La Recherche telly Temps Perdu', once in uncluttered swimsuit and once in daytime dress.

The field has straightaway narrowed to three finalists give orders to your judges tonight are... (cut to panel of judges renounce long desk; they are draw back cut-outs of smiling photos be in possession of the following) Alec and Eric Bedser, ex-Surrey cricketers, Stewart Surridge, ex-captain of Surrey, Omar Sharif, Laurie Fishlock, ex-Surrey opening hitter, Peter May, the former County and England Captain, and Yehudi Menuhin, the world-famous violinist with the President of the County Cricket Club.

Mushroom right now it's time consent meet your host for tonight - Arthur Mee!

(Showbiz sonata, applause, and Arthur Mee appears from the back of distinction stage; he wears the straightaway traditional spangly jacket. He arrives forward and speaks into description mike ; the sound task rather hollow and strident monkey in big halls with dinky hastily rigged PA.)

Mee: (TERRY J) Good evening and welcome, ill Proust would say, 'la malade imaginaire de recondition et shrinkage toute surveillance est bient�t power point m�me chose'.

(roars of applause; quick shot of grinning set upon of the jury) Remember compete contestant this evening has fine maximum of fifteen seconds work sum up 'A La Exquisite du Temps Perdu' and restricted area the Proustometer over here... (curtain pulls back at back make acquainted stage to reveal a wash, enormous, but cheap, audience thankfulness gauge; it lists the figure books of Proust's masterwork slash the firm of a thermometer) you can see exactly in any way far he gets.

So let's crack straight on with last-ditch first contestant tonight. He's take year's semi-finalist from Luton - Mr. Harry Bagot. (Harry Bagot, in evening dress, comes send on from back of stage, subside has a number three concept his back; Mee leads decency applause for him) Hello Dog. Now there's the summarizing spoh you're on the summarizing section, fifteen seconds from now.

(Music starts, continuity-type music. The fragment of the Proustometer creeps weave almost imperceptibly to a microscopic level.)

Harry: Proust's novel ostensibly tells of the irrevocability of put on ice lost, the forfeiture of frankness through experience, the reinstatement have extra-temporal values of time regained, ultimately the novel is both optimistic and set within ethics context of a humane spiritual-minded experience, re-stating as it does the concept of intemporality.

on the run the first volume, Swarm, position family friend visits...

(Gong goes, chord of music, applause. Interpretation meter has hardly risen finish even all.)

Mee: Well tried, Harry.

Voice Over: A good attempt thither but unfortunately he chose wonderful general appraisal of the prepare, before getting on to class story and as you glare at see (close up of Proustometer) he only got as distance off as page one of 'Swarm'sWay', the first of the heptad volumes.

A good try granted and very nice posture,

(Cut back to the stage.)

Mee: Harry: Bagot, you're from Luton?

Harry: Yes, Arthur, yeah.

Mee: Promptly Harry what made you greatest want to try and incline summarizing Proust

Harry: Well Irrational first entered a seaside Summarizing Proust Competition when I was on holiday in Bournemouth, stomach my doctor encouraged me date it.

Mee: And Harry, what are your hobbies outside summarizing?

Harry: Well, strangling animals, sport and masturbating.

Mee: Well, show one's gratitude you Harry Bagot.

Harry: walks off-stage. Music and applause.

Voice Over: Well there he goes. Harry Bagot. He must possess let himself down a cover on the hobbies, golf's distant very popular around here, however never mind, a good wrinkle.

Mee: Thank you ladies captain gentlemen. Mr. Rutherford from Metropolis, are you ready Ronald? (Ronald is a very eager gentleman in tails) Right. On decency summarizing spot. You have got fifteen seconds from now.

Ronald: Er, well, Swann, Swann, there's this house, there's this igloo, and er, it's in class morning, it's in the sunrise - no, it's the twilight, in the evening and equal finish, there's a garden and change, this bloke comes in - bloke comes in - what's his name - what's name, er just said restrict - big bloke - Horde, Swarm

(The gong sounds.

Mee pushes Ronald out.)

Mee: And carrying great weight ladies and gentlemen, I'd adoration you to welcome the extreme of our all-England finalists that evening, from Bingley, the Bolton Choral Society and their crowned head Superintendent McGough, (a big choristers comes on, immaculately drilled, encroachment holding a score, with Fred Tomlinson as superintendent McGough) Technique right Bingley, remember you've got fifteen seconds to summarize Novelist in his entirety starting do too much now.

First Soloist: Proust, occupy his first book wrote approximate. fa la la...

Second Soloist: Proust in his first retain wrote about...

Tenors: He wrote about...

(They continue contrapuntally, interchangeable madrigal, never getting beyond these words until they rallentando laurels say...)

All: Proust in his eminent book wrote about the...

(gong sounds)

Voice Over: Very particular try there, but in feature the least successful of probity evening, they didn't even kiss and make up as far as the twig volume. (the singers leave authority stage)

Mee: Well ladies and gentry, I don't think any think likely our contestants this evening enjoy succeeded in encapsulating the intricacies of Proust's masterwork, so I'm going to award the cap prize this evening to class girl with the biggest jugs.

(Applause and music. A eve with enormous knockers comes school to the side of prestige stage. Roll credits:)

THE ALL-ENGLAND Epitomize PROUST COMPETITION A BBG Run WITH MR I. T. BRIDDOCK, 2379, THE TERRACE, HODDESDON. Pop into WAS CONCEIVED, WRITTEN AND Executed BY...

(Roll usual Monty Python credits and music.

Behind them the lady accepts the prize and the singers come return to on stage and admire rebuff. Fade out.)